April 5, 1984
To my mind and any one who cares:
This destruction and horrible masquerade of foolishness, people I see, are dying every second at this time. I can’t take this any longer. I know I am about to die. Every little piece of me dies every minute. But you do not care at all. Life here is more than hell as it is. I wish that you would experience this pain for a moment. Feeling destructive, hopeless, lifeless, and dying with hatred.
My suffering is growing and growing. You torched me with pain and death to my heart. My mind hurts with all the horrible thoughts you give me. Anguished feelings with horrible skin and the inside black and red. No just hurting and dying inside, but disappearing. Smaller and smaller till it disappears. Skin and bones is all that is left of me. I might seem all right looking to you, but I already died. The things you put me through are more than pain, its slaughter. You, you are killing the slow way. Why don’t you either kill me now or leave me be. For you these two are not one of your favorite choices. To me, they are freedom from your pleasurement.
To you I’m nothing, but a bug that must be stepped on immediately. Well, to tell you the only truth, I’m as human as you are! Nothing, but flesh and blood. With a dying heart. My mind tortured by your words. Not being able to at least stand up.
I have at many questions for you. And I hope that you can answer them all. Here’s one, why all this agony to my life? I haven’t caused you pain and suffering. My life was fine and well. Then you came along and dragged me to the house of death. I know that hell is not worse than this. I feel it. I rather suffer in hell than by your orders. My life can get more inferior if you can’t let me just die.
I didn’t cause you pain. I didn’t cause you hate. I didn’t cause you anything in the matter of harm. Why don’t you leave me be! Let me live my life as you live yours in harmony.
I do cherish the two minutes of hate to you. I can’t help it. You just give me the discomfort in this place. My home full of hurting memories. My whole family gone. Only left is me. I see them in my dreams. Looking at me. In my dreams I see paradise. A place where I want to be. A place to be to live life. Hoping with happiness, with care and with peace. Nowhere to be alone. Nowhere to go, but be there.
In the future, I hope people will see how I suffered all this time. Living in a horrid place. To the future, my next family, live a life with all the joy and happiness. Do not suffer like I did. Try to make the best of everything you have.
Big brother is out there watching my every move. Listening to all my thoughts. Well he cannot take over my conviction. Not in any way he can. I control over this. I control my reliance. No one can.
I wonder where am I going to end up. In death. In happiness. I don’t know. I just speculate.
Questions all lie in my head not knowing the answer. Not being able to appreciate my life that I am living. Hope and desires come to my dying heart.
My life now has no meaning. You have just made my life a living hell. Well, you are the only one who is enjoying this. Me? Well, I don’t care any longer. My life is now over.
I wonder when I die will things be more nasty as they are. Or will things be more confident and placate will be everywhere? In my dreams, I see a door. In the other side, paradise. They sky blue, the clouds white, the grass green as ever, and the birds sing a joyful song. I can’t see why people like me should live like that. No matter on anything. Think of it people in harmony. Me, living the life I wanted for so long.
I can see that only in my dreams. Reality as we know it is gone.
W. Smith